Stepping into uncertainty
Fuck — not sure what to write.
It’s frustrating at times. I feel the urge to write but I’m not sure what to write about. Anyone else ever feel that way? Something is trying to get out. I think IT, the something, is probably frustrated too. I wonder sometimes if IT has been trying to get out for years but I can’t see it. I did my first ever guided psychedelic journey a couple days ago. Maybe that will help IT come to light. More on that later — after I’ve integrated more. But, I digress.
I remember seeing a poster on the wall at a 5-day personal effectiveness training I did years ago. The poster got bigger each successive day of the training but it was never once referenced throughout the training. Maybe I’m the only one that saw it. ‘What are you pretending not to know?’. I think about it often. What truth is lying just below the surface of my consciousness that I’m willfully ignoring? I’ve always believed it was there. A quick inventory of things I’ve considered might help me uncover it. If any of these seems true to you, my reader, my external eyes, my source of validation in this world, let me know. On second thought — maybe don’t. I’m trying to lessen my dependency on you.
My secret truth(s):
1. That the feeling that I have, sometimes, that I’m gifted, wise beyond even MY years, and that I have a message to give to the world, and that the world cares about my message, is accurate.
2. That I know what that message is — and that it’s that each of us, each of you, has the same God given, spirit given, universe given, nirvana given dignity and right to shine brilliantly, despite all of the messages delivered by unqualified judges of character, including each of us, as every other being on the planet. The only time that dignity is compromised is when we feel the need, possibly in order to grow our own feelings of inherent dignity, as if it’s not infinitely abundant, by judging and/or denying that dignity to others.
3. That the feeling that I have, sometimes, that I’m a fraud, a fake, not very smart and am not capable of completing anything or doing anything successfully, is true.
4. That my intuition is tremendously strong and that when I’m not feeling an obvious drive towards a particular decision or action, that it is ok and I shouldn’t judge myself. (Note how this one plays into 1, 2 and 3. Oh my). In fact — it’s that same intuition that has me writing right now — even though I haven’t determined why yet. I’m starting to, though.
I was talking with a writer friend recently about writing. (She gets paid so she’s legit!!). We were discussing how any subject, on the right day, can trigger immense creativity. The first piece of writing I ever remember feeling good about, in High School, for Ms Wilson, (11th grade I think it was), was about ‘nothing’. Seriously. We were trying to figure out what I was going to write about, Ms Wilson suggested ‘anything’ and I suddenly chimed in with ‘nothing’. Wrote a whole essay on nothing — even drew a picture. She was impressed. So was I.
The point, I think, is that sometimes we don’t know. The poster on the wall guides us to question. Intuition gives us pause in one instance, and a push in another, and neither comes with a clear awareness of why. An injustice stirs immense feelings you don’t fully understand. Someone in your life, a teacher maybe (and aren’t they ALL teachers?), makes a suggestion and in doing so triggers a creative outburst aimed in the opposite direction. The important thing is to be open to the intuition and act, or when intuition says pause, don’t act, which is, in a way, acting.
Through a set of circumstances I refuse to attribute solely to luck, I live on a boat in Mexico. A long sequence of perfectly placed and timed events (luck), and many, dare I say brave decisions, made for me, in part, by a strong sense of intuition that, at times, seems driven by a power bigger than me, (that’s AA talk!!), conspired to put me in this place at this time. That same sense of intuition has had me tied to a slip at a Marina in La Paz for a year. I needed community and a sense of home. I was also a little intimidated, I think, by a boat that has been my biggest teacher for the last year. We have endured many issues, mechanical, structural and functional, that have limited my ability to sail very far or for very long.
About a week ago I began feeling a tremendous pull to cast off and go somewhere for an extended period of time. I’ve known it was time and yet, when people ask me where I’m going, I haven’t been able to answer. ‘North’ I said. Maybe East, to the mainland. Today I’m 4 days into that journey and from where I am now it’s clearer to me where I’m going next. On this trip, just like in my life, I’m not sure where I’m going until I take a few steps in ‘a’ direction and change my perspective.
I started 2024 declaring that it is the year of expansion for me. I’m clearer now, having written this, that I won’t know what that means until I continue to step into the unknown and look, from each new place, at my options.
On that note — more on the psylocibin journey soon.
