Beginners mind — sometimes.
Reflections of a sober yogi sailor
Is it OK if I start an article by saying I’ve been struggling a lot lately? I’ve been lonely, tired, inexplicably sad and stressed about the future. (A yogi I’ve been following lately calls that latter phenomenon ‘future tripping’. I really like that term. It reminds me of the humor that lies just under the surface of humanity — the funny part being that most of our challenges are self imposed.) I often think nobody wants to read anything that is sourced from a place other than joy and strength but I just haven’t felt those things much lately. To make matters worse, I don’t really feel as much like writing from this place either. (If you know what I mean nod your head). That said, I’m tired of everyone pretending everything is awesome all the time. It’s not. In fact, it can’t be. (I’m going to pause for a moment here and say I really miss the second space. Everything seems so crowded anymore. I don’t need more crowdedness. I long for space (es)).
What I know to be true is that the universe has a few fundamental rules. One of them is that nothing can exist without it’s opposing form. You likely know the drill. Without darkness there can be no light. Without cold there can be no warmth. Without sadness there can be no joy. Most importantly, at least for me at this moment, is the knowledge that without struggle there can be no growth. Knowing that helps me. Melancholy is a little easier if I can convince myself it might have a purpose.
At this point, if you know anything about me, you, like me, might be asking what the hell I have to be melancholic about. It’s true I’m living my best life in many ways. I love bullet points so here are a few:
- For over a year I’ve lived on a sailboat, a dream I’ve had for 30 years, in the paradise of coastal Mexico, West coast, mostly on the mainland, ranging from the Sea of Cortez down to Banderas Bay near Puerto Vallarta.
- I had a bit of a spiritual awakening and stopped drinking in November of 2021 and transformed my life in January of 2022 by entering into a 40 day recovery and wellness program based on AA’s 12 steps, Yoga and healthy eating. Yoga is a big part of my life now and my diet, although not perfect, is tremendously better than it was.
- In May I bought a slightly bigger / better sailboat. It’s one that, with some work, will take me anywhere in the world I want to go.
- I recently returned from 3 weeks in Mexico City, a trip that’s been on my bucket list for years, and,
- I am headed to India in 5 days for a 30 day Yoga Teacher Training and some time in the Himalayas.
I created a vision board for myself a few years ago and virtually everything on that board is now my reality. At least to the casual observer. Here’s my take — and perhaps a glimpse into the reality of someone who’s relatively depressed.
- I live on a boat in Mexico — but I’m not actively sailing currently. I’m stuck dockside, at a very expensive marina, facing a list of repairs that I will either have to learn to make or hire out. Future tripping about that.
- I actually have two boats currently. One is for sale 600 miles south of where I am now. Without the money from that boat I’m going to have to dip into my retirement money very soon in order to live — something that makes me nervous. I’m future tripping about that.
- As excited as I am about India, that trip is delaying my doing anything about the two prior points.
- I’m frigging lonely. I’m starting to notice that everything I’ve ever wanted in life was motivated by self-centeredness. All of what I’ve listed above is awesome — and yet it seems empty at some level if I’m not sharing it with anyone and/or contributing to the well being of others in some way. Do I truly understand and appreciate how important it is to be in relationship with, and help, other people? Is that what this whole journey is all about perhaps?
Ok- that last statement was a little frivolous. Of course that’s what this life is about — and clearly something I need to figure out. The other thing that’s obvious, as I create that second list, is that I’m really, really hard on myself.
I have one other observation that I think might be relevant. I pride myself in being willing to learn new things — to take on uncertainty. After all — I changed from married life to single life, US life to Mexican life, English speaking life to Spanish speaking life, house based life to boat based life — all in a matter of a week. I changed from someone who’s ‘activity’ on a nightly basis was drinking to someone who doesn’t drink — and from someone who woke up at 9AM hungover every morning to someone who does Yoga every morning but who’s body still says ‘Oh hell no!’. Then, in May, I changed homes again when I bought a new, to me, boat. Nothing is certain in my life. The days where I could avoid the hard things, like parenting, by going to a job that I knew I was good at, are behind me. That, I think, might also be at the root of my struggles.
Funny — but I recently read a quote challenging people to do something they’ve never done before every day. Perhaps it’s equally important to spend some time every day actually doing stuff you actually know how to do. Perhaps that’s why I was motivated to sit at my computer and write today. I know how to do that. I can also pretend that in doing so I’ve entered into relationship with, and helped, someone else. If that’s true — let me know.
Keith
